Penitence
by Black-beauty13
Summary: Written for this prompt...Five times Ethan realised how Croatia had affected Brandt and the one time he does something about it.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: The first time Ethan notices...please read and review :)_

_Disclaimer: I do not in any way profit from the story and all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator._

Ethan notices the small things about his team, like how Jane occasionally gets lost in her own mind and plays with the locket around her neck, which Ethan knows contains a picture of Hanaway. It is against all protocols, each agent who was lost in the line of duty has to erased from all records in a matter of days. Ethan doesn't mention it, but he knows all the same just like he knows that Benji carries around a rabbit's foot in his backpack. Ethan hopes it's just Benji's idea of a joke, but then again he isn't the first superstitious agent Ethan has seen over the years. So, it surprises Ethan that it takes him so long to realize that he has never seen Brandt sleep, not even once in all the months the team had worked together.

They share rooms quite frequently, not just for safety but also to provide each other with emotional support after a harrowing mission. Benji usually falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, and Ethan is still awake more often than not when Jane doses off as well. But not Brandt, every time Ethan glances at him his eyes are closed and his breathing is carefully regulated, and he hardly moves but Ethan can easily tell he was still wide awake each time, he just hasn't registered it earlier. It isn't exactly unusual for agents to be light sleepers, but Brandt doesn't even fall asleep after the most exhausting missions, the days when Ethan can feel his own eyelids fall shut in a matter of seconds.

"Why isn't the fact that you are an insomniac in your file?" He asks Brandt one day, deciding to take the direct approach. Brandt is one of the few people Ethan can't read easily, but he has found that when asked a direct question, the analyst rarely lies.

"Huh?" The expression of confusion on Brandt's face was genuine, as far as Ethan can tell.

"You barely sleep, it's the kind of thing that should be on your personal file."

"I am not an insomniac, I just…I have trouble falling asleep at times that's all." Brandt shrugs, turning back to his laptop.

"Why?" Ethan finds himself morbidly curious, and ignores the clear 'back off' signals the other man is sending.

"I just need a little time to clear my mind of certain things, I have a lot of thoughts bouncing around." Brandt's tone is light but his eyes are haunted, the expression one that Ethan has only seen twice before, the first time in Dubai as the other agent had been confronted by Ethan about his true identity, and the other time in Seattle, when Brandt had confessed his involvement in Croatia.

"Did you have those many thoughts before Croatia?" Ethan blurts out as his mind makes the connection before he can even fully process the idea, but Brandt ignores him and focuses on the laptop again.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews :) Here's the next part...please read and review :) _

_Disclaimer: I do not in any way profit from the story and all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator._

Ethan relaxes back onto the couch, smirking to himself at the antics of his drunken teammates. He hasn't had a drink in years himself, too wary of all the dangers lurking in the shadows to really relinquish his sense of control. He thinks of the parties he used to attend religiously when he was a freshman in college, waking up the next day with only a vague idea of what he had been up to. There are times, not often but more than he likes to admit, when he wishes he could go back to a time when he was that carefree, a time before the IMF.

But he has to admit, one of the perks of being sober is that you get to amuse yourself as other grown adults make complete fools of themselves. His three team mates are providing him with some quality entertainment, sprawling on the floor of the motel room, playing a game of truth or dare. Benji's usual exuberance is dialed up to an eleven, and even Brandt's face is flushed red. Ethan suspects at least some of Jane's apparent drunkenness is fake, because he knows just how well she can hold her liquor.

The first hour of the game had been filled with musical performances, dances and various other acrobatics which made up for a lack of quality with an overabundance of enthusiasm from all the participants, although Ethan did have to step in earlier and veto the idea of Jane shooting an apple off Brandt's head. He's glad that they are able to let go of their worries for a little while though, even if he can't.

Now, all three were winding down, almost passed out on the floor, when Jane suddenly sits up and exclaims, "I want some apple pie."

Benji makes a noise like a purr that Ethan assumes is approval.

"It's two in the morning, Jane, and we aren't exactly at the Hilton. I doubt they have room service at this hour." Ethan explains mildly.

"Good," Brandt mutters, "I am not supposed to eat apple pie anyway."

Ethan glances at Brandt, vaguely unsettled by the sudden change in mood of the other man. A second ago he had been relaxed and loose, now he just looked like a sad drunk.

"Are you diabetic or something?" Benji asks, "Cause I read about this miracle plant that cures diabetes on the internet, I can find it for you." He adds helpfully, reaching for his laptop.

"No, but apple pie is a treat, it's for good boys only," Brant says with conviction, "My mamma told me so."

Ethan feels a chill moving down his spine, somehow knowing where this was going and wishes Brandt would stop talking.

"Good people suffered because I didn't do my job, so I don't get any pie." Brandt mumbles.

Suddenly the whole night seemed a lot less amusing to Ethan.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thank you again for the reviews, they make me want to write more lol :) Here's the next part... as always feedback is welcome :)_

_Disclaimer: I do not in any way profit from the story and all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator._

Each agent of the IMF has their own way of dealing with a less than successful mission, and Ethan doesn't find it surprising that most agents either tend to punch their way through all of their emotional baggage or try to outrun it. Those individuals who calmly sit down with a therapist and regularly deal with their feelings in a balanced and healthy manner probably wouldn't have ended up in this particular profession anyway.

Their mission wasn't exactly a bust, but it certainly hadn't been ideal either. It had seemed easy on the outset, a simple rescue mission. The young son of an asset had been kidnapped, and his recovery was considered important enough that Ethan's team had been called in.

The first part of the mission had gone so perfectly it had almost seemed scripted, a silent entry, the two guards taken down by Ethan and Brandt in a matter of seconds. Looking back, Ethan realized that alone should have made him a little suspicious.

Their biggest mistake had been allowing themselves to get separated, if there was anything Ethan should have learnt over the last few months, it was that they were stronger together. At the time it had seemed the right choice, himself providing a distraction and drawing fire while Brandt got the boy out. But it seemed there had been even more guards than they had realized, and despite his team member's best efforts, the boy had been shot on the way out. A quick extraction had ensured that the boy had not died, but it had been a much closer call than Ethan liked to admit to himself.

Ethan doesn't like to get involved with how his team members handle the aftermath unless absolutely necessary, so he stands just outside the room, watching but not interfering as he watched Brandt go at a heavy bag. At the beginning the other agent's movements had been smooth, his body relaxed and hitting the bag fast and with perfect biomechanics, building up power with speed and technique. Ethan had always been aware in a vague, unacknowledged way that the other agent could probably take him down in a fight but to see such a demonstration was like a bucket of cold water being splashed on his face. The younger agent was just as fast, as trained as Ethan himself, and he had the additional advantage of age on his side.

But after a couple of hours, Brandt's technique began to go south and he started to hit a little too hard, a little too fast. Ethan winced, knowing very well that Brandt was going to feel very sore tomorrow, at the very least. He's tired and sore himself, but he can't leave yet. Not when he knows that William Brandt only got treated for one injury after Croatia, a transverse fracture of the second metacarpal, commonly known as boxer's fracture and most commonly caused by hitting a hard object with a closed fist.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Sorry about the delay, thank you so much for the reviews :) Here's the next part...please read and review :)_

_Disclaimer: I do not in any way profit from the story and all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator._

Ethan feels old…really old and cranky. He tries to keep from swearing as yet another kid crashes into his knees. He can't believe that he's actually spending his first day off in what feels like forever in a zoo. He should have been suspicious when Benji had called him excitedly in the morning and said he had a great idea for a team bonding activity. He had foolishly expected a relaxing brunch or maybe a walk in the park but instead he's been trudging along in the hot sun for the better part of three hours.

It doesn't help that he seems to be the oldest person around…the place is filled with young kids and their hassled parents. Benji looks like a five year old himself, dragging the rest of the group along with his nose buried in a colorful map.

"Ooh, they have a mated pair of red pandas. Should we go there next or to the orangutans? Wait…it says here that they have a primate show in half an hour so if we hurry we can go see the pandas first and still make the show." Benji rambles excitedly, still reading from the leaflet, with Jane gently guiding him so he doesn't crash into innocent bystanders.

Ethan decides to put his foot down. "No," he says firmly sitting down on a bench.

Benji looks crestfallen, "Oh, okay..we'll go straight to the show."

"No, I mean I'm done Benji. We've seen elephants, giraffes, a hundred different kinds of monkeys and I am fairly certain we saw the pandas already. I am just going to sit here and relax for a bit."

"No, the ones we saw were the giant pandas and I was talking about…", He trails off as Ethan levels a glare at him. "Right. So we'll just go ahead and catch up with you later?"

"Actually Benji, I think I am going to take a break as well," Brandt says, sounding as if he just woke up from a deep sleep. Ethan sympathizes. Benji's face falls another couple of notches, so Brandt rushes to comfort him. "I'll catch up soon, okay. Just need a short break."

Jane gives them both a dirty glance as she is pulled away, but Ethan is too relieved to care. He leans back, and closes his eyes against the bright sun. He feels drowsy, and wonders if he can get away with a short nap. Having Brandt around means he doesn't have be on his guard, at least. He peeks at Brandt, who is wide awake and looking around so he settles back and shuts his eyes again. The red of the sunlight through his eyelids is oddly relaxing and he can feel himself drift off.

When he opens his eyes, Brandt is still in the same position, so Ethan figures he wasn't out of it for too long. He glances at his team mate again, and suddenly notices that Brandt's eyes are laser locked onto a point to his left. Ethan follows his line of sight till he sees a young mother bent over a brightly colored crib. She isn't unattractive, and the fact that she is leaning over is certainly affording a very nice view of her cleavage, but the raw emotion in Brandt's eyes tells Ethan that that isn't what has caught his attention.

The mother straightens back up and starts pushing the crib in their direction, and Brandt quickly drops his gaze and dunks his head, trying to appear inconspicuous. The mother walks by, and the other man relaxes again.

"Did you know her?" Ethan tries to keep the question light and inoffensive.

Brandt hesitates, and Ethan wonders if he should backpedal. But then Brandt turns to look him in the eye, and answers. "No, She just really reminded me of someone I used to know."

Ethans nods and turns away, but then Brandt starts speaking again, his volume so low that Ethan almost has to read his lips. "We used to make all these plans for the future…we were going to have a house in the suburbs and a white picket fence and apple trees in the backyard. She loved dogs…but she used to live in an apartment. She told me we would adopt at least two dogs from the pound when we finally had a backyard." Brandt is smiling now, lost in his memories. "She wanted just the one kid though…we even had names picked out, Doyle if it was a boy, Tara for a girl. And the funny part was, I never even asked her to marry me, we both just sort of assumed, I guess. It ended badly…I was angry and upset and I took it out on her. I wish she didn't hate me. You and Julia, you may never be together but you both know that you love each other. I don't even have that." Brandt's voice hitches slightly and he stops talking.

Ethan wants to offer comfort, but he feels lost and shaken himself. He put his hand on Brandt's shoulder and takes comfort in the fact that he isn't pushed away immediately.


End file.
